SF Post

Sunday proved to be a day of broken shards from San Francisco to Hollywood as winds demolished a window in the ever-sinking Millennium Tower. The South Korean film, Parasite, proved to be just that to the Irishmen - and took home Best Picture for a movie no one has seen except the Oscar committee.

For anyone lost, looking to shoot up - and then sober up - SF's Tenderloin is the place to be. For the permits, the City will enjoy the fruits of its own process and turn the permit process into a "scavenger hunt" extending from 555 Fulton to DBI to City Hall and back again. 

Following in the long municipal traditional of Chicago, Detroit and Kabul, Mayor Breed announced today the creation of an independent Vision Zero task force made up of people whose salaries she pays. They are charged with rooting out "everything except how department heads get to put random subcontractors on city contracts. Vision Zero means 'nothing to see here' in San Francisco." In her keynote, she declared, "By 2025, I want to ensure that we don't just see zero, we collaboratively turn a blind eye."

Mohammed Nuru, head of Public Works, took a hands-on approach to city transparency today by literally showing us how to make a Pit Stop: by getting arrested and sent to jail. His previous pit stops allegedly include: Broadway Grill, a farm in Colusa, Lefty's and a bank account he put in his daughter's name.

In an unusual twist, foreign hackers retracted their multi-million dollar ransom demands when they realized all the files they found were from city meetings on diversity & inclusion. Said one hacker who would only tell us his first name, Pavel, "Crazy talk. What is signature block and why it have pronouns??" Another said, "So many meetings. And they just say things that don't sound like English like, 'Let's partner to work together on metrics to be more inclusive and support more meetings and then meet on inclusion to discuss the partnership.'" Said Vlad, the lead hacker, "We can't accept money if that's what they do all day. So empty. No point."

Fresh off getting the SF Science March canceled due to their presence, SF Ani-Vaxers are hosting a get together in the Richmond on Friday to celebrate the arrival of the coronavirus, the latest disease for which they will not inoculate themselves. Said the head of the Richmond chapter of "Flat Earthing & Head Sanding" -"We want to remind the world of the diversity of diseases we can spread & include as many oddly clad children as possible in our campaign to bring back the 14th century. We don't want to get typecast. This isn't just about measles."