SF Post

Mohammed Nuru, head of Public Works, took a hands-on approach to city transparency today by literally showing us how to make a Pit Stop: by getting arrested and sent to jail. His previous pit stops allegedly include: Broadway Grill, a farm in Colusa, Lefty's and a bank account he put in his daughter's name.

In an unusual twist, foreign hackers retracted their multi-million dollar ransom demands when they realized all the files they found were from city meetings on diversity & inclusion. Said one hacker who would only tell us his first name, Pavel, "Crazy talk. What is signature block and why it have pronouns??" Another said, "So many meetings. And they just say things that don't sound like English like, 'Let's partner to work together on metrics to be more inclusive and support more meetings and then meet on inclusion to discuss the partnership.'" Said Vlad, the lead hacker, "We can't accept money if that's what they do all day. So empty. No point."

Fresh off getting the SF Science March canceled due to their presence, SF Ani-Vaxers are hosting a get together in the Richmond on Friday to celebrate the arrival of the coronavirus, the latest disease for which they will not inoculate themselves. Said the head of the Richmond chapter of "Flat Earthing & Head Sanding" -"We want to remind the world of the diversity of diseases we can spread & include as many oddly clad children as possible in our campaign to bring back the 14th century. We don't want to get typecast. This isn't just about measles."

Upset at the high cost of housing in SF, and the amount paid for tuition already, Dads4Dorms cordoned off a 5 square block area of the Tenderloin today and moved their kids into several SROs. One dad told us, "Seriously, people. A SRO is a dorm! We can all see it - it's filthy, there's a shared bath and keys from the 19th century. This isn't a stretch."

On the heels of SF's big game - in Santa Clara - with the Green Bay Packers, SF placed a bet that if the SF team wins, Santa Clara would not actually want to look like SF. As one resident told us, "No. We live outside the City for a reason ."

The BOS voted today to support all forms of speech - in the era of Trump - unless that speech is at their expense. Hailing the measure called the "Unless It Offends Me" Ordinance, it's considered a first of its kind law that protects the feelings of political officials.

In a surprising twist, President Trump endorsed a local city official Sunday morning:  DA Chesea Boudin. Calling him "more than I could hope for" Trump tweeted that "Pelosi could convict me, but Cliche Chesea WOULDN'T convict me!! Sad!!" Elaborating, he noted Boudin's qualifications, "he's a 1 stop shop of everything I need to run against - gap-toothed, Kombucha-drinking, renter and dad was in some pathetic terrorist group. He'd free Capone from ALCATRAZ!"

In a major step forward for the LGBTQ movement, SF Pride officials have announced they will, in fact, allow gays to participate in the June 2020 parade - even if they happen to be police officers from Alameda County. Said organizers, "See - there's so many of us now it's not like we need everyone on Market. We don't have  to be so inclusive. With this surplus of gays, comes a caste system - with police officers as "the untouchables." We don't understand why a law enforcement officer would enforce a law, like evicting trespassers from private property, because if there's one thing we believe at SF Pride: your property ain't private in June."

The SF Board of Supervisors announced today it would create a reparations fund, which was well received by San Francisco's last African American. Previously 13% of the population,  African Americans have largely fled the high cost of living for greener pastures. James Spear, the beneficiary, was positive, telling us "I'm glad. I may even have a get together with friends & family - it's next week in Oakland."

"Biden just isn't Bernie," said the man who declined to give his name due to ongoing bill collecting issues. "I mean, I was like a personal trainer with as many as 3 clients a year - specializing in foam rolling - and because of the establishment I switched to healing and plants and Facebook posts about my plants and I'm getting priced out. I can't believe it."

"We know that in a city like San Francisco, residents deserve hard-hitting investigative reporting to protect the interests of the people," said the editors, "That's why we're 'meowing out' and changing our focus officially - making your click bait our new cat nip. We think there's so many cat stories out there and we want to bring those to the people of San Francisco."

Jill Abromowitz, 20,  joined Rec & Park 4 months ago with a fresh perspective and a fresh gratitude journal, where she'd planned on memorializing events that make life worth living.  She told us via email, "Last week, I spent 4 hours at Dolores, picking up trash and landscaping. It was so cold, rainy and my back was aching. Then I turn around to where I'd been working and there was some kind of "It's Tuesday Parade"!! They trashed everything & stomped on all my plants to boast Tuesday Pride!" And I just found out the mandatory employee raffle is only for tickets to Shen Yun. I thought it'd at least be Hamilton!! I'm changing majors next semester."

SF Science March organizers abruptly canceled the upcoming event after they received word that the weird school with the unvaccinated kids, and their stunted parents, were a Yes. "We didn't think they'd actually come. We sent them the invite to be nice, and sorta as a joke. I guess they didn't get it...yet again. I mean, we're liberal and all, but we're not flat earthers. Plus, I don't want to catch anything."

Overwhelmed by the number of city officials who want to hire their kids, SF legalized nepotism today - touting the many benefits: fewer forms, fewer awkward meetings and more of that "family feel" so often missing from conference rooms. Said one department executive, who declined to be named, "It's great! I was going to have junior go to another department - or even into another career he would choose - but now he can hang with me all day."

Our long municipal nightmare of unsightly cars is finally over.  "No one said it could be done," said MTA officials. The $100 million project, to put nearly two dozen orange cones up across Market street in two places to allow a new neighborhood called Little Amsterdam to flourish, is seen as a model for the rest of the United States. "We need to be a big tent in the City," said officials, "and that means doing away with old notions that roads are for getting around. Our tent is so big, you can put yours on our busiest thoroughfare."

Oracle has announced that it will move the OracleWorld conference to Las Vegas due to SF's persistent homeless problem. Saying in a statement, "We need a space that's welcoming for everyone, where we are accepted and tolerated for who we are."

"We just don't connect with any of the candidates on meaningful level," said Hudson Farnsworth before leading her weekly healing Hindu prayer circle for tech executives. "It's like they're all posing as other people."

"We think we're making our mark on the world through email," said city officials. "We don't agree with Trump (he/his) of course, but as anyone who has come back from vacation knows - an inbox is like a bomb anyways."

"Hey - I'm just doing what I do" said the man, who was directed to the Navigation Center next door. Mayor Breed, reached late in the day, told us "I can't believe it. That took us 5 years to build and $15 million. Does anyone want this job?"