White Ladies Celebrating Diwali in the Sunset Decry Lack of Authenticity in 2020 Candidates

"We just don't connect with any of the candidates on meaningful level," said Hudson Farnsworth before leading her weekly healing Hindu prayer circle for tech executives. "It's like they're all posing as other people."

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Tenderloin Welcomes Sobering Center Next to Navigation Center Adjacent to Safe Injection Site

For anyone lost, looking to shoot up - and then sober up - SF's Tenderloin is the place to be. For the permits, the City will enjoy the fruits of its own process and turn the permit process into a "scavenger hunt" extending from 555 Fulton to DBI to City Hall and back again.

"In What Way Are You Corrupt?" Becomes SF Voters' Standard Question for Local Candidates

SF voters have preemptively ended their dream of having a single honest city official, and opted to screen each one by asking "In what way are you corrupt?" in all standard candidate questionairres. Answers will be scored from 1 to 10, with 1 being a basic campaign finance violation of $10k or less and 10 being setting up a non-profit to launder funds to portly city officials who like to eat. The scale is adjustable - and can go to 100 at least - depending on future FBI complaints, next week's papers and/or Medium.com blog posts.

Mayor Endorses Vision Zero for Everything Except Corruption

Following in the long municipal traditional of Chicago, Detroit and Kabul, Mayor Breed announced today the creation of an independent Vision Zero task force made up of people whose salaries she pays. They are charged with rooting out "everything except how department heads get to put random subcontractors on city contracts. Vision Zero means 'nothing to see here' in San Francisco." In her keynote, she declared, "By 2025, I want to ensure that we don't just see zero, we collaboratively turn a blind eye."

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