SF Post

Mohammed Nuru, head of Public Works, took a hands-on approach to city transparency today by literally showing us how to make a Pit Stop: by getting arrested and sent to jail. His previous pit stops allegedly include: Broadway Grill, a farm in Colusa, Lefty's and a bank account he put in his daughter's name.

In an unusual twist, foreign hackers retracted their multi-million dollar ransom demands when they realized all the files they found were from city meetings on diversity & inclusion. Said one hacker who would only tell us his first name, Pavel, "Crazy talk. What is signature block and why it have pronouns??" Another said, "So many meetings. And they just say things that don't sound like English like, 'Let's partner to work together on metrics to be more inclusive and support more meetings and then meet on inclusion to discuss the partnership.'" Said Vlad, the lead hacker, "We can't accept money if that's what they do all day. So empty. No point."

Fresh off getting the SF Science March canceled due to their presence, SF Ani-Vaxers are hosting a get together in the Richmond on Friday to celebrate the arrival of the coronavirus, the latest disease for which they will not inoculate themselves. Said the head of the Richmond chapter of "Flat Earthing & Head Sanding" -"We want to remind the world of the diversity of diseases we can spread & include as many oddly clad children as possible in our campaign to bring back the 14th century. We don't want to get typecast. This isn't just about measles."

Upset at the high cost of housing in SF, and the amount paid for tuition already, Dads4Dorms cordoned off a 5 square block area of the Tenderloin today and moved their kids into several SROs. One dad told us, "Seriously, people. A SRO is a dorm! We can all see it - it's filthy, there's a shared bath and keys from the 19th century. This isn't a stretch."

On the heels of SF's big game - in Santa Clara - with the Green Bay Packers, SF placed a bet that if the SF team wins, Santa Clara would not actually want to look like SF. As one resident told us, "No. We live outside the City for a reason ."

The BOS voted today to support all forms of speech - in the era of Trump - unless that speech is at their expense. Hailing the measure called the "Unless It Offends Me" Ordinance, it's considered a first of its kind law that protects the feelings of political officials.

In a surprising twist, President Trump endorsed a local city official Sunday morning:  DA Chesea Boudin. Calling him "more than I could hope for" Trump tweeted that "Pelosi could convict me, but Cliche Chesea WOULDN'T convict me!! Sad!!" Elaborating, he noted Boudin's qualifications, "he's a 1 stop shop of everything I need to run against - gap-toothed, Kombucha-drinking, renter and dad was in some pathetic terrorist group. He'd free Capone from ALCATRAZ!"